I've missed Art, I've tried to get back into it on my own and have forever regretted not being able to finish my Fine Arts degree. Somewhere over the last 15 years I have lost confidence in my abilities to paint and create. I guess that's why I'm enjoying photography so much, I don't feel the pressure to succeed, I don't have my own expectations or others on me. I have forgotten how to play without placing that pressure of perfection and expectation on everything I do.
My back also limits how much time I can sit at the table or easel and paint or draw, it frustrates me so much that I tend not to bother - It's hard to get into something, find that mind set then have to keep stopping. To be good you have to be consistent and practice. I used to be rather good, not brilliant but good enough to get into Uni for a Fine Art degree, good enough that I found pleasure in creating. All that confidence is gone and all I feel is anxiety and pressures to perform beyond my skills. People expect so much. But still I want too, NEED to create again. It's pulling to me and it's almost painful not to do it.
So many factors in my life that complicate my desires. So much history coming back to haunt me. Old anxieties have resurfaced and panic attacks have started again. I know where it's coming from, I understand the stress and triggers. Being stuck in the flat with little control over my life, I'd have to be a really dense rock not to understand myself lol I know if I don't be proactive and force myself back into some kind of social setting I will fall back into the horrible yet seductively safe world of agoraphobia. So trying to kill two birds with one stone - a rather smart stone this time - I have enrolled in an Art Class at the Edinburgh Uni, which took over the Edinburgh Collage of Art. The classes are credited hence evaluated and graded and small only 14 people per class, extremly competitive getting in. You wouldn't believe how fast they fill.
It was hard to choose what class to do, there were so many that i wanted to pounce on but I was good and kept a grip knowing if I chose to many I would fail it all, it would be to physically difficult for me to achieve. So this is what I chose.
Painting: Image and Composition 1 & 2
Robbie Bushe - Season 1: 28th Sep - 7th Dec. Season 2: 18th Jan - 28th March
Wednesdays 1.30 – 4.00pm
These two courses provide the opportunity to develop your skills and visual vocabulary to make a series of studies and paintings which explore the use of images and illusion using a range of traditional as well as experimental techniques. In Session 1, visual ideas will be stimulated through a range of ‘point of reference’ observed set ups as well as exploring your own particular visual ideas and circumstances as subject matter. This will include working from still life, the figure, interiors, cityscapes, narratives and from your own research to explore compositional and picto- rial devices, uses of tone and colour and the application of paint and mixed media to make a series of resolved paintings. Session 2 will enable you to develop and extend your visual ideas and techniques to make a series of resolved paintings, which explore a more personal use of images and illusion. Visual ideas will be stimulated through a range of your own ‘point of reference’ observations as well as exploring your own particular visual ideas and circumstances as subject matter.
Looks fun huh? I'm filled both with dread and excited anticipation. It's been a long time since I have been around people I don't know and not in a comfort environment, It's also been a long time since I have had any work evaluated. I have to control the instinct to be the best at everything I do and just do it and enjoy it. Don't play the pressure game. Just thinking about it I have butterflies in my tummy and I feel nauseous. It's so weird to be looking forward to something so much and still be filled with such anxieties and dread. Cant wait! I really wanted to do the beginner class of painting too - just to help ease myself back into it without the pressures but I couldn't afford the extra £200. Part of me keeps thinking Feck it just do it and be damned. You can live on beans for a while lol then I remind myself I'm already living on beans.
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