Missing in Action

So it's been a while - I had almost forgot I had a blog. So much has happened in the last year and my place and emotions have been tested and trialed. I'm still somewhat trying to sort myself out.

Last April just after Art Collage finished I flew home to Australia to visit my parents - My Dad had been unwell for some time and we didn't expect him to last much longer. I hadn't been back to Australia in nearly 10 years. That's how long it had been since I had seen Dad. I know part of me was avoiding the issue; living so far away, it's easier to dissociate yourself from the pain and issues of possible loss.

Despite distance we have always been a close family. Just the three of us and our pets along the way. Distance had always been apart of our lives. We moved around a fair bit when i was really young, and when i was in primary school Dad was away for work months at a time. Then I was in boarding school away from them both, so I grew up loving my parents at a distance. That's not to say we didn't have time together, we did - in reflection it was about half and half, and i have memories so precious to me that they still shine clear as the day they happened in my mind - However, I didn't really hesitate to take off and live my own life, move to a different state and go to University, then move overseas and get married. So for the last 20 years I haven't really spent much time with my parents, my Dad even less so; Yet we were still close and his presence in this world gave me tremendous strength.

In my mind, my Dad had always been the rock, that presences that held me to the ground emotional. Like a gravitational force that I always refereed too when conflicted emotionally; I'm struggling to live with his absence and I find that so strange seeing absence was such a large part of growing up. It's been 12mths on the 3rd of July and I am yet to grieve. My love for my Father is so deep I'm just to afraid to face it. It's unhealthy and it's not just affecting me mentally but also physically. The release needed is so bottled up that it's leaking out in so many other ways. So after 12mths I've realised it's enough. I will write. I will write memories, feelings, blunt and honest. Living away from Mum and my home environment, memories are all I have to help me face the loss. Thinking them feels to translucent and to easy to compartmentalise into rational feeling without confrontation. So I will write.

Art Classes Start Next Week: can i hear a yay!?!

Materials list finally arrived and the countdown to next Wednesday has well and truly kicked in. Paints bought CHECK Overalls bought CHECK Granny Trolley to transport said paints and such CHECK Bus fair put aside CHECK Extra Painkillers CHECK Nerves & Anxiety CHECK.

Edinburgh Collage of Art: taking the leap

I've missed Art, I've tried to get back into it on my own and have forever regretted not being able to finish my Fine Arts degree. Somewhere over the last 15 years I have lost confidence in my abilities to paint and create. I guess that's why I'm enjoying photography so much, I don't feel the pressure to succeed, I don't have my own expectations or others on me. I have forgotten how to play without placing that pressure of perfection and expectation on everything I do. 

My back also limits how much time I can sit at the table or easel and paint or draw, it frustrates me so much that I tend not to bother - It's hard to get into something, find that mind set then have to keep stopping. To be good you have to be consistent and practice. I used to be rather good, not brilliant but good enough to get into Uni for a Fine Art degree, good enough that I found pleasure in creating. All that confidence is gone and all I feel is anxiety and pressures to perform beyond my skills. People expect so much. But still I want too, NEED to create again. It's pulling to me and it's almost painful not to do it. 

So many factors in my life that complicate my desires. So much history coming back to haunt me. Old anxieties have resurfaced and panic attacks have started again. I know where it's coming from, I understand the stress and triggers. Being stuck in the flat with little control over my life, I'd have to be a really dense rock not to understand myself lol I know if I don't be proactive and force myself back into some kind of social setting I will fall back into the horrible yet seductively safe world of agoraphobia. So trying to kill two birds with one stone - a rather smart stone this time - I have enrolled in an Art Class at the Edinburgh Uni, which took over the Edinburgh Collage of Art. The classes are credited hence evaluated and graded and small only 14 people per class, extremly competitive getting in. You wouldn't believe how fast they fill.

It was hard to choose what class to do, there were so many that i wanted to pounce on but I was good and kept a grip knowing if I chose to many I would fail it all, it would be to physically difficult for me to achieve. So this is what I chose.

Painting: Image and Composition 1 & 2

Robbie Bushe - Season 1: 28th Sep - 7th Dec. Season 2: 18th Jan - 28th March

Wednesdays 1.30 – 4.00pm

These two courses provide the opportunity to develop your skills and visual vocabulary to make a series of studies and paintings which explore the use of images and illusion using a range of traditional as well as experimental techniques. In Session 1, visual ideas will be stimulated through a range of ‘point of reference’ observed set ups as well as exploring your own particular visual ideas and circumstances as subject matter. This will include working from still life, the figure, interiors, cityscapes, narratives and from your own research to explore compositional and picto- rial devices, uses of tone and colour and the application of paint and mixed media to make a series of resolved paintings. Session 2 will enable you to develop and extend your visual ideas and techniques to make a series of resolved paintings, which explore a more personal use of images and illusion. Visual ideas will be stimulated through a range of your own ‘point of reference’ observations as well as exploring your own particular visual ideas and circumstances as subject matter.

Looks fun huh? I'm filled both with dread and excited anticipation. It's been a long time since I have been around people I don't know and not in a comfort environment, It's also been a long time since I have had any work evaluated. I have to control the instinct to be the best at everything I do and just do it and enjoy it. Don't play the pressure game. Just thinking about it I have butterflies in my tummy and I feel nauseous. It's so weird to be looking forward to something so much and still be filled with such anxieties and dread. Cant wait! I really wanted to do the beginner class of painting too - just to help ease myself back into it without the pressures but I couldn't afford the extra £200. Part of me keeps thinking Feck it just do it and be damned. You can live on beans for a while lol then I remind myself I'm already living on beans.

Neil Gaiman: American Gods - Edinburgh Book Festival 2011

Okay so I don't mean to rub it in honest but wow – is Neil Gaiman awesomeness or what! I've been reading Neil for nearly 20 years and I'm yet to come across a writer/artist so diverse and so in love with the act of creating and writing. I had the pleasure of seeing him discuss American Gods on the weekend for it's 10^th Anniversary hosted by The Guardian. It's an amazing book – so many people either love it or hate it and rarely feel much in between. I'm the former.

It's an interesting way to look at the commercialism and racism eating America and the loss of a persons ethnicity. Where the American gods do battle for power in the Americas with the old traditional gods of homelands left behind. For someone who is fascinated with Mythology, Religions and Sociology like I am it was a gem of a read. I'm not a lover of America as most of my friends know but Neil manages to awaken all those things I do like about it, the strangeness of the country and peoples, the large expanse and beauty of the landscapes. The alienness.

The Discussion wasn't long enough by half but it managed to be a good balance between directed question from The Guardians John Mullan and audience questions. I was excited to hear that HBO and Neil have just concluded the final papers and will moving on with the miniseries. It's to be produced by Tom Hanks company Playtone and I think directed by cinematographer Robert Richardson (don't quote me, I can't quite remember I suck at names, but I'll endeavour to double check). I am somewhat excited now all papers are signed and finalised and things are about to start moving, however I'm also scared shitless. While the success of G R R Martins A Game of Thrones could indicate a sensitivity to the spirit of the book – the history of dumbing down books to the American market is still ringing strong in my ears. Cough cough Philip Pullmans' religious elements of The Golden Compass, cough cough. 

This book could be a brilliant miniseries, complex but brilliant, however there is so much that could be left on the way side just so as not to offend the American market. Ethnicity and Religions are elements of the book that cannot CANNOT be fiddled with to make people feel more comfortable, they are integral to the book and what it is. All we can do is keep our fingers crossed that Neil has a good hand of control and the producers a sensitivity that is needed to make this great. I'm thinking Neil has his fingers crossed just as tight.

Now I've been to one discussion I will be making sure that I never again miss one of his talks at the Book Festival again. I would have loved to have gone to his discussion on Fantasy and Sci fi – but man those tickets went way fast – Next time for sure. I even popped a fist full of pills so I could endure the 2 hour wait in line for an signed copy of American Gods. I'm suffering for this weekend but it was well worth it.

Edinbrugh Fringe: Photos and Dreams

Fringe Festival-Royal Mile 2011

Mark and I spent a few hours with our cameras snapping happily one weekend while the fringe festival was in full swing on the royal mile. Entertainers, promotions for shows, street performers, a wealth of goodness to photograph. Again I was drawn to expressions and peoples and decided to dedicate the day to a collection of Faces of the Fringe (click for my flickr folder of photos) I would love to do more durning the Festival but health limits my plans so I enjoy what little freedoms I can find for myself and the few hours I can spend doing something I enjoy.

On the 27th of August weather permitting we hope to go to the Portabello Beach busk where there are around 80 street performers showing their talents. Edinburgh really is a wealth of Arts that is especialy demonstrated through July to September. I haven't been to any gallery shows yet and still hope to get to the Journalist Photography World Exibition at parliment building. I went a few years ago with a friend and it's awe imspirering to a photo freak like me. 

Fringe Festival-Royal Mile 2011

I adore Journalistic Photography. I remember when I was young all I wanted to do when I grew up was be a Photographer for National Geographic and when David Attenborough was (cough cough is) my hero. It wasn't just National Geographic that inspired me - I also was drawn to the more extremes of photographic journalisim, war, natural disasters (I also wanted to be a storm chaser at one point as well as a crime photographer for the police force lol) However I let my insecurities get the better of me and was never brave enough to see if I would do anything other then fail. Now I'm to old to take up the profession, I let myself drift to long but a hobby is forming. I have finaly picked up a camera and begun to learn and in doing so have found my passions again. I'm getting better, but still have a long way to go.

Jazz Festival: Snap Snap

July 22 saw the beginning of the Edinburgh Jazz festival and Mark and I went out for the day with some others from the Edinburgh Digital Photography Meetup Group. It was the first day of the festival and opened with a mardi gras (the smallest I have ever seen) procession from the Mile down to Grassmarket, the music was good and there was a chance of a few good photos. 

It was packed, 100s of people were in the square, the sky was blue and the sun was out and it held a promise that his years August festivals might just have good weather...ha! lol, but the day was lovely.  

 

I have discovered a love of taking pictures of people. Trying to capture moments and expressions without pose. I used black n white for the day, there was lots of colour to be had but I just felt like Black n White. Nearly everyone else was shooting in colour anyway. I could have gotten some beautiful colour shots but something just made me want to go black and white.  I got very burnt – it was a stunningly beautiful day weather wise, good music, good mood, good day. 

I'm really enjoying my time out with Mark and the Camera. If I pace myself and don't over do it my health doesn't rebel that much, well not enough that I don't deem the time of recovery worth it. It's nice to get out of the flat once a fortnight - it's good for me to get some exercise for my body as well as for my spirit. Camera and Husband in hand I can face the world with a smile. 

Holidays: Husband, Camera, Country 'n Rain

Black Iris

 It's been a long time since I've been blogging and have a few things to catch up on. The first is my holidays in June. We had hoped that summer would be caught but alas Scotland's weather has been a tad bizarre this year so we had temps from 4cel to 15cel for the majority with a couple of weeks of rain and a few lovely 22cel days just before we left. Always the way lol. But still we managed to get out with our cameras and snap a few things. On one of the better days we drove up to Crathies Castle and took a walk with the cameras through the magnificent gardens. We've been quite a few times now but it's always worth the money to take a walk round the gardens. I ended up with only a few images I'm happy with, but then I'm really happy with them. This Black Iris in particular - I adore the contrast between the deep purples and lime greens.

Rainy Day at Loch

Tillyduke is always a pleasure that we look forward to every year regardless of the weather. The isolation and solitude in the country helps me get through the year of being trapped in the flat. It's become a photographic journey for us.  We met up with the Inlaws for a day and they took us for a long drive around the Lochs (I'll have to find out the names as I have a memory like a sieve. This photo was taken that day. It was raining and I was huddled under my somewhat scant rain coat trying to protect the camera and still have the lens point at what i wanted lol all the while eaten alive by midges. I made a lot of mistakes in my rush - didn't adjust my ISO or give my aperture settings the attention they needed but still I'm somewhat happy with the image - it has mood.

Every year (well now that Mark also has a camera anyway) we go to the Animal Park giving us the opportunities to take pictures of animals we normally wouldn't be able too. We also became somewhat addicted to bird watching and identifying them in the front yard drawn to the feeders. We both enjoy taking pictures of anything Nature and Wildlife – we are yet to discover something we don't like to snap yet.

Isn't he beautiful, and only still a cub really 2 years old. Man I love animals, I could photograph them for the rest of my life and be content. 

knitting !!!

I did it - I finally got the courage up to join a knitting group. I have been looking for both a social group and something creative. Knitting appealed because i can do it from my chair when my back is too bad to sit at the table. Doesn't even matter that I can't knit lol. I'm really looking forward to it, It's only one evening a month - first Tuesday of each month held by The Woolpack at The Sheep Heid Inn  I will be a woollysheep! Means buses, long trips and I'm yet to see how the traveling will affect my back - the first night wont be a good indication as I'm out all day with hospital appointments and Heather so I will be sore. But hey, thats life. Gotta do it before I chicken out lol.

Meeting people again will be scary but I miss being social - stuck in the flat all the time, not getting out much after 3ish years is starting to do my head in, and I do miss female company. I don't want something that is too much commitment. I would have liked to have found a fortnightly art group that cost very little that I could go to but I haven't found anything close enough. Even if I did, I would still do the monthly knitting group. It sounds fun. Knitting!! lol. My aunties would be so proud.

I'm going to knit squares till I can make a blanket for my super king bed.  I've ordered both the books pictured When I'm capable, I'm going to do some patterns from Knitting Block by Block until then it's totally eye candy, and I hope that KnittyGritty will help get me going (images will not link to look inside feature) YouTube is providing a wealth of how to videos so I should be fine to start. I can't wait to get my needles and yarn. Colour Pallets YAY!! Heading to K1 Yarns tomorrow to look around, drool some and maybe part with a few precious pennies. I'm so excited it's rather sad! lol

Hello My name is Pagan and I'm a readaholic

Books and reading are a large part of my life. It wasn't always so, I never really read a book until i was 12 and trying to escape the realities of girls catholic boarding school. My Mum is a huge reader and always tried to get me to read - alas i much preferred to be read too. But reading did change my life and saved me from the years known as teenage hell.

I never experienced the children's book thing, or even the young authors books. I jumped right into adult fiction with my first book being Robert Ludlum's The Holcroft Covernent. Still one of my favorite spy books ever. Now I read a load of fantasy - it's my safe place and escapism. I read at least 3 books a week. My shelves have been read and re read over and over and over. My husband recently asked me why I don't go digital it would save space. I was horrified at the thought. Part of the love of reading is the book itself! I don't want the world of reading to go digital - i resent it and resist it. Give me a good book that i can touch and feel, smell and fondle. Why and I babbling on about books you may ask? Well, first it's a big part of me so hence I thought I'd put my love into a blog. Secondly I ran across this wonderful short video on YT and it just made me stop and think.

Playing in the Kitchen

I haven't really cooked in forever. I love to cook, for me it's an extension of art. Painting, Sculpting – MAKING. But since my difficulties with my back I haven't been able to really stand up long enough to cook anything. Today I did and I can't say how good it felt. One of the few things I Really miss about Australia is Turkish Pide. 

There was a little restaurant in Hamilton, back in Newcastle that made the best Turkish Pide - And I do mean EVER. For 8 years now I have been dreaming of going home and having a good Pide, 8 years is a long time not to visit home, let alone crave. So I thought to hell with it, I'll make one. Close my eyes and give it a go. 

I looked online for a decent recipe but all the good ones are in Turkish lol funny that. And the others were just a basic bread mix and that isn't what I remember, so I thought Id wing it. That’s the best bit about cooking for me, Winging it. Experimenting. Throw this in and that in and praying. It's where the pleasure is for me.

I'm rather happy with the results. I think next time round I might try experimenting with some sour dough techniques. The bread was close but not quite. I threw in a lot of yoghurt into my yeast culture and that seems to have helped the texture a lot. Nearly there. It felt so good to cook something New again and play in the kitchen. Mark liked them – and they can hold near any filling, so I dare say They will become a weekend staple. This one is filled with potato, chicken, onion, tomato, cheese, and a lil parsly. It was soooo good!

Eat yer Heart out JoJo. Mmmmmm yummmo!